Fears

Last night I got sucked into reading all of the posts on Mom and Dad's blog (all written by Mom with one Dad asked her to include). I've read quite a few of them over the years as a way of reflecting on the past and always get a good laugh and cry depending on which ones I read. I especially like to read ones written at the beginning of our blogging times because it was started as I was getting ready to leave on my mission. When Ben asked what I was doing, I told him. He asked what it is like reading them now and if I could hear her voice as I read the words. I told him yes, it's like she is right here telling me the things I read herself.

Last Thursday marked seven years since I left for the MTC. I flew out the day before I entered the MTC and stayed with Emily and Preston the night before. All those who were in attendance can remember, I was a wreck. There were many tears shed over the two and a half days between when I was set apart and then entered the MTC. I wasn't necessarily nervous or scared of being a missionary and missionary work. I was nervous of being away from Mom (and Dad, too), and I feared that something would happen to one of them while I was away and I wouldn't be able to see them again. That has always been my biggest fear which was the reasoning behind crying every time I left home and wanting to always live with them even after I got married.

So, when Mom was diagnosed with cancer three and a half years ago, I realized that I would be facing my fear much sooner than I hoped. About a week or so after she was diagnosed, she came over to St. Paul to go to the temple. She then spent that night with us and left the next day.

Mom treated us to dinner that night and in the course of conversation she told us that she had two fears. The first was losing one of her children, which then as we grew older changed to having one of us lose a child. The second was being diagnosed with cancer.

Lots of people say that we picked the trials we face in this life before we were born. Lately, I have given thought to that. What if our fears are the trials we picked to have before we came here? Could they be a way that Heavenly Father shows us what we will face? Possibly, but not necessarily true for every fear.

On a side note, I fear that all of our children will be like Russell and Meghan for the first months of their lives. We've had some rough days in the past few weeks which have been jeopardizing the number of children we will be having. Good thing Mom had come to terms with not having 50 grandkids. I can barely handle these two ragamuffins we have!